I wanted to write a post with a 4 month update because truthfully,
I think that this last month has been the hardest. Possibly even harder than the
Newborn phase. I feel like sleep deprivation used to be the
hardest part for me. But that’s something we just get on with isn’t it?! Our
body adapts, we drink more coffee, we get used to it. And as tough as it is, I do look back on some night feeds and think about how lovely those moments were with just the two of us. I know I
had an easy ride compared to some when it came to the ‘fourth trimester.’ I
recovered pretty quickly and was up and out walking after a couple of days. I
didn’t suffer too many hormonal outbursts and Jacob didn’t have any
colic or breastfeeding issues. It was all so new, but I felt like I was
slowly getting the hang of it.
Big transition after 3 months
Then 3 months hit, and everything changed and I questioned
everything that I had learnt. Even though I would love for him to stay so small forever, I am loving seeing him develop. It’s so exciting that one day
he doesn’t know how to smile, and the next he’s smiling and giggling away. It
makes me so excited for what’s to come and I can’t wait to see who he’ll turn
out to be. So this part of him being 4 months, I love.
However, let me keep it real. In the past month I have
cried, shouted, hated myself, felt overwhelmed, hated my husband and felt like
I was failing. Jacob just hasn’t been himself the past few weeks and I’ve found
myself questioning if it’s something that I’ve done or not done. Is he bored
because I’m not stimulating him enough? Does he need to go to more baby classes
that I probably can’t afford? Is he in pain? Am I giving him Calpol for no
reason? Also I have NEVER felt this hormonal since having him. I’ve started losing my hair which I know is an indicator of a change in hormones. I wasn’t this hormonal during pregnancy, or when he was a newborn. I can’t stop crying and I get stressed so easily lately.
He’s had days when he just won’t let me put him down and
won’t stop crying and I’m counting down the minutes until my husband comes
waking every 2 hours in the night and is fighting to go back down after a feed.
Days have been so unpredictable and it’s so hard to stay positive and not get overwhelmed some days.
Teething/4 month sleep regression/Leap 4
After doing my research and speaking to other mums, I think that he’s
probably teething, paired with leap 4 and the 4 month sleep regression. It’s
all come at once and I just wasn’t
prepared for it. And it just makes me sad that, putting my feelings aside, he’s
obviously going through some big developmental changes this month and is
really struggling. I know that it will pass and I’m so glad that
I started sharing on social media because the amount of messages with support and
advice has been so lovely. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone.
4 month post-partum body update
In terms of my body, I’m pretty much back to my pre-pregnancy
weight. I haven’t weighed myself in a long time, probably since just after I
gave birth. And it’s so interesting to me because even though I’m back to that
weight and most of my clothes fit me again, I still feel so different. I’m
struggling with backache because my Core is still so weak, and everywhere is
still so soft and jiggly with extra skin. I’ve put myself down a little bit
because with the exhaustion that’s come with the sleep regression, I haven’t been as motivated
to workout, which isn’t great when I’ve just started my own fitness class. So that’s
given me some anxiety. But I also know that the women I teach will be in the
same position as me and will understand the struggle and hopefully appreciate
my honesty about where I’m at. All I can do is my best and once we’re over this
difficult stage, I’ll hopefully start feeling like myself again.
Celebrate the small wins
I know I’m not alone when I admit that I am SO guilty of putting a lot of pressure on myself, most of the time unnecessarily. As a new mum, as a woman generally and as someone who’s trying to build a new career. I am making a conscious effort going forward to give myself more credit for what I’ve achieved rather than berate myself for what I think I’m failing at. Teething aside, my baby is happy, he’s healthy and he’s loved and I know I do my best every day to give him that and he loves me for it. I only gave birth 4 months ago so I can’t expect to be as fit as I was (if I ever will be) but I’m working out at least 3 times a week which is hard enough with a little baby but I’m managing it. I’m juggling a new career with my full-time job of caring for a baby who requires my attention 24 hours a day. And I just taught my first class which went amazingly well.
I think we should all remind ourselves at the end of the day of the small things we’ve achieved to allow us to stay in a positive frame of mind and give ourselves the credit we deserve. Even if your small win for the day was getting a shower! Which we all know is actually a HUGE achievement.